“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.“ –Flannery O’Connor
I sit here alone in this room just me, my worn out keyboard with missing letters on the keys because as we all know.. I love to talk or well.. type rather. I’m sitting here with so many thoughts running through my head. I also have a nice Strawberry Ale beside me keeping me company. Dont worry.. I have it poured into a fancy glass so I can feel dainty lol. So much has happened over this past year to the point where I wanted to give up. As I sit and read others comments and statuses on Facebook it seems as though 2013 wasn’t the best year for really a lot of us. I’m sure if you’re superstitious the number ’13’ had you freaked out anyways and you knew this craptastic of a year was coming. Now.. I know SL is just supposed to be exactly that.. a “Second Life.” But this year and the ending of 2012 wasnt just a second life to me. It actually became more like my real life. How sad is that? Yes, yes I know. We should never let SL consume our RL but sometimes it just happens that way whether we like it or not or whether were willing to admit it. When I quit my job back in 2012 I felt as though my whole world shut down. I backed away from my real life, my real life friends, I didn’t leave my house because all the money I had went to bills. I couldn’t afford to go out because I honestly didn’t have the money. That set me up for a long road of depression. Days laying in bed, looking at the same 4 walls, trying to find jobs.. Therefore I turned over to Second Life again for the first time in a year break and found myself becoming consumed with the SL world again. Now looking back I’ll be honest and say I was fine with that. I had amazing friends and family and I was meeting all these beautiful people. I could forget about my rl and focus on this fairy tale sl and all was right in the world.
In the beginning of the year despite all the crazy things that was going on in my real life, my second life seemed pretty good. I had amazing friends, family, a loving boyfriend at the time. February rolled around and a rl friend found me a rl job. I thought “Wow.. finally things might be turning around for me.” So I was looking at 2013 with good vibes. Then March hit… It wasn’t the best for me because at the time my boyfriend was going through some rough moments in his real life. We all know when it comes to Second Life vs Real Life.. Real Life always wins, as it should. As bad as I hated to.. I knew he had issues he had to deal with and I didn’t want him to be worrying about me as he tried to sort them out. So after talking to many friends about the situation I decided it was best to let him go. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want him to have to worry about me when he had family he needed to be with and loved ones he needed to be focusing all his attention on. He wasn’t very happy with me, but I knew in the end he would realize why I did it and he would appreciate it later on. I’ve never really been a selfish person in my life. I always try to do things based on whether or not they will be good outcomes for others. That was just a moment where I had to let him go. Whether or not it hurt us both.. in the end it would be for the best. To this day I still care about him so much and we are amazing friends. I hope he understands why I did what I did and knows it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with him, but only because I thought it was what was best for him at the time. After letting him go I seemed to find that my second life wasn’t as enjoyable as it once was. I was lonely, so very lonely. We all know that second life can be one of the most enjoyable places when filled with love, laughter, and happiness. Yet we all also know that it can become one of the most loneliest places ever. You can be in a room full of people you know talking, laughing, having fun but yet at the same time feel as though you’re surrounded by people yet feel as though you’re the only one in the room. That’s how I was feeling when I let Mak go. So.. what do I do when I’m depressed? I turn to alcohol. Alcohol has never been one of my best friends yet when life is lonely and dark it’s always there. So what did I do? Began drinking again.. but this time with friends on skype. Therefore I didn’t see it as a ‘problem’ and I saw it as ‘bonding’ for all of us. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed those days with everyone in skype on cam just yelling “SHOT TIME!” and all of us taking a shot. We shared tons of memories and really those people are who have always helped me keep it together. Then drinking became a regular thing for every Saturday. That kept up for ehh… well… basically from April-July. Then in July my world was turned completely around. I met someone and for once I was happy. Not just happy, but genuinely happy. I smiled more than I had smiled in years. I met the one person that I thought I had been searching for my entire life. Something just clicked and it was as if my heart could finally rest. I was this new happy Jaden. Everyone saw it.. and even through all the issues and drama that went on with me being happy.. for once in my life I chose myself over others. I hurt people, lost friends.. I regret that, but it was the one thing I was the most sure about in my whole life. For once in my life I was choosing me over other people’s feelings. I needed to do it. 26 years and always putting others first. I don’t see this as a horrible thing. Some might have called me bad names for my choices.. I just didn’t care. I knew I wanted this person in my life more than anyone I had ever met and I was determined to keep him. July passed and I was on cloud 9, August came and I was even more in love than I imagined myself to ever be. I thought for once I had found true happiness. They say “When you find the one you’re supposed to be with you just know.” and boy did I KNOW this is exactly where I was supposed to be in my life. THIS is what I had been searching forever for. September came and still yet I was so very happy and everyone could see that. Everyone that backed us was happy for us and loved seeing me as happy as I was. This person changed me.. and what I thought was for the better. October came and I decided I needed a lifestyle change.. so.. I focused on me and my health. I ended up losing 18lbs in 30 days all from just changing my eating habits and working out. 18 pounds! Isn’t that insane? I mean it’s not unbelievable but it’s still crazy when I think about it. I know you’re probably reading this and thinking “Wow.. four months isn’t very long for a relationship.” And you’re so right. Four months isn’t very long in a real life relationship.. yet when in second life you know just as well as I do that time flies by here. One week is like a month, and one month is like a year and so on. You spend so much time with this person.. talking, sharing secrets, learning everything about them that four months seems like a lifetime. I was so happy.. I was on top of the world.. nothing could have slowed me nor us down.. so I thought. Then one night.. it all changed. Like I was going a thousand mph and then boom I hit a brick wall. Over night… I went from being the happiest girl in the world to completely broken laying on the floor as if I were dying on the inside. I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to, what to think. So what did I do? Threw my walls back up and turned to drinking. As I stated before.. alcohol isn’t my best friend yet it always seems to be there when I need it. I lost every desire I had to continue my lifestyle change.. my road to the new me. That’s when all my friends stepped up and came back to my rescue. I had so many people comforting me and consoling me that it was really beautiful. I realized I had so many amazing people in my life that didn’t want me to go back to the lowest of low like they had seen me before and they were bound and determined that I didn’t throw those walls back up and shut everyone out. Angie, Chad, Tiff, Bal.. they all checked on me daily. Listened to me cry, helped me laugh.. tried to keep my mind off the situation that had just happened. I was still always alone at night, laying in bed with my thoughts and man did they hit me like a Mack truck and then the tears would flow. The one word I heard the most over the past 2 months is “You’re so STRONG, Jaden. If anyone can do this its you.” I kept hearing the word “Strong” over and over from tons of different people. At this point though I thought they were all crazy and strong was not the word I would use to describe myself. Now looking back.. hearing that word over and over made me realize how strong I must really be. I’ve been through hell and back in my real life and second life. And now when I think of it if I had to describe myself in one word it would have to be strong. Most people I think would have given up by now, but yet heres me.. still truckin lol. That’s all we really can do in the end.
The scariest thing to me when it comes to being in a relationship with someone and giving them your all is when you meet them, fall in love, trust them with everything.. either you will end up marrying that person or you will break up. You never know, but its a chance we all take at some point in our life. You never know the outcome yet you still jump hoping for the best and praying that if things don’t work out that you will have amazing people there helping you get back to how you were in the beginning before the relationship happened. Most of all this brought me closer to two people who I absolutely love so much and they are so near and dear to my heart. Yes.. I’m talking about you two, Dev & Mikey. Dev helped me because she understood. She had lived what I was once going through. She told me things would be alright in the end I just have to get there.. on my own time.. could be a day, weeks, months away but sooner or later I would get back to knowing my worth and she sure did try every day to help me find it and get there. Mike helped me more than I think he even knows. He was always there at 2am when I would have a nightmare.. or when I was just lonely and needed a friend to talk to. We never brought up my situation or talked about it. He just helped me remember that I can laugh and smile and that life is beautiful when you have amazing people around who care. Talking to him was like all was good in the world. Like I hadn’t just been heartbroken.. he made things seem normal again and I honestly can’t thank him enough.
All in all being heartbroken is horrible and possibly the most pain a person will ever experience in life yet its a beautiful thing as well because that way even though our heart is broken.. we can then when the time is right pick up those pieces of our heart and put them together exactly how we want them to be. And for that.. I thank him. I thank him for everything he ever did. He made me believe I was beautiful again, showed me that with a little will power I could achieve anything I ever wanted. Most importantly he showed me that love is a beautiful thing. Even though things went south for us.. I now see how love is supposed to feel. Those few months were honestly the happiest months of my entire life. And if I felt that way with the wrong one.. can you imagine how amazing I’m going to feel with the right one? The one that was meant for me, put on this earth for me to love unconditionally. I’m a giver.. in life I give my all to things I believe the most in. I’m also a protector.. I protect those I love. I’m the girl who brakes for birds, pulls over on the side of the road to save that turtle. I feed stray animals that randomly show up at my house even though knowing that they might end up sticking around forever, I don’t care.. It’s what I do. It’s what I was put on this earth for. To give, love, and protect the ones in need, be it people or animals. I know I’m a good person with an amazing heart and I love with everything inside of me. It’s just who I am and I wouldn’t change it for the world. So with all that being said I want to wish him a lifetime of happiness. I hope he is happy with everything he does in life. I’ve told him numerous times all I ever want for him is to be happy and I mean that. I wish him the best in everything he ever does. He’s a great man and he showed me things about myself I didn’t even know. I know he was brought into my life for a reason and honestly I wouldn’t change one thing about anything that happened with us. So from the bottom of my heart Thank you, Eddie.
Now that all leads me up to now, today, my new year, my fresh start. I’m leaving the bad behind in 2013. I can’t sit and dwell on it anymore. I have to say Goodbye to those that came into my life this year and left before it was over. I have to go into this new year with a clear heart, open mind. I know I’m not perfect nor did I ever claim to be. I know I’ll probably make more mistakes this year in 2014 just like I have all the years before. It’s what life is all about. Making mistakes, learning from them, growing and maturing from them. Without those little life lessons how boring would we all be? Bad things in life hurt when they happen but they make us better, stronger people in the end. I wouldn’t change any of my hardships that has hit me over my 26 years (almost 27) for anything in the world. If I did I wouldn’t be me, I wouldn’t be the loving, caring person I am today. It’s a new year ahead of me.. its time to start all over again and try to do things differently and better than before. Its time to live my life to the fullest and be whatever I want to be. I have to forget what happened in 2013 and just move on, take those as lessons learned and be better. I don’t make new years resolutions because no one really sticks to them. If you’re reading this and you make them then I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you can stick to it and prove others wrong. My wish for everyone is to just live life this year. Be you, be happy, don’t let others get you down. Take those chances, love with no regret, live with no worries. You only get one life so in the words of Benjamin Franklin I’ll leave you with this. “Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing about.” I love you all so much and thank you to each and every one of you who have helped me along the way and been apart of my amazing Second Life journey. I wouldn’t trade any of these times, moments, and memories for the world.
Heres to 2014,
Now its time for me to share with you a new outfit from [Cynful] Clothing & Co. I thought it reminded me of a New Years dress therefore I thought it was fitting for this post. I hope you all enjoy! 🙂
Dress: [Cynful] Clothing & Co. “Aphrodisia Dress- Sequin (Bronze/Chocolate)
[You can get this dress at The Dressing Room. Started December 20th.]
Shoes: N-Core “Vertigo” (Camel)
Hair: Truth Hair “Tristana”
I chose this song because Ive been listening to it a lot recently and I think its the PERFECT song for New Years Eve.
Everyone have fun & dont forget to be safe!