“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”
Ya ever have that start to a new year where nothing seems to be going as you expect a new year to go? It just seems like one roadblock, after roadblock, only to then get hit head on my a derailed train. I feel as though that’s how my January and February has went and going. Most people have New Year’s Resolutions.. I myself had one, but that didn’t go as expected either. Feeling as though I’m in a rut right now I decided to jot down my feelings and everything that’s happened in hopes of it making me feel a little better. Writing always helps, right? Even if no one but myself reads it.. at least I’ll maybe feel better just getting it off my chest. What better way to do that than on my blog.
Lets just say the ending to my year and beginning didn’t go as planned. And you know what they say, “How you end your new year is how you will begin a new one and what you will be doing that whole year to come.” Now I’m not one that’s super superstitious, but when it comes to this old saying I’ve never really given much thought into it. Now though.. I seem to find myself thinking about it more often than not. I guess in hopes that it isn’t true? Lets pray so. Then all these celebrity deaths keep happening.. its like boom, boom, boom back to back in January. Which was another reason as to why I knew 2016 wasnt going to be shit. I got a call for an interview with a job I’ve been waiting and wishing for the past three years. Things are starting to look up. January 11, 2016… I find my 18-year-old cat, Mustache (Yes that was her name lol) had apparently crawled off to die. I knew it was a matter of time. She was 18 years old in human years after all) we couldn’t find her for the past couple days.. it was this Monday that I just faced the fact of she was finally gone. I searched our area for her for days.. trying to find her so I could at least give her a proper burial that she deserved. I never found her. 😦 Fast forward to January 13, 2016. The day that could have been wonderful, but then went south very fast. I’ve always remembered this day for one because I had a really great guy friend all throughout school. It’s his birthday. We always had this pact made that no matter how old we got we would forever always wish each other Happy Birthday. We were both January babies so it was this weird January pact/friendship deal I guess lol. So point being.. I’ll never forget that date. Yet.. I’ll forever remember it now for a different reason. I was called for my 2nd interview at this job I had been wanting. I wake up that morning excited, but nervous awaiting the clock ticking down as it got closer & closer to the time I had to be at this bank to do the interview. Now.. I have a 7-year-old Chihuahua named Zoey. My heart and joy. I don’t have kids in real life so my doggies (I have two chihuahuas) are my children. Zoey I was always closet to because she was the one that tend to cling to me the most. I guess I was her ‘main’ master so to speak. As I’m getting ready that morning I notice she’s just not acting right. Breathing really hard and fast… I pick her up and try to soothe her by petting her, rocking her like a baby (Yes I do this lol) and telling her shes okay and to calm down and catch her breath. It’s at this moment I realize something is really wrong because I can feel how fast and hard her heart is beating. I instantly start to feel anxiety coming on and know I cant take her to the vet because I have an interview in an hour and I have to still get in the shower. I call my mother at her work and tell her something is majorly wrong. Something is off with Zoey and then start telling her the issues. I asked if she could get off work early or if she can take her lunch and come take her to the vet. She said she would see what she could do and actually did get to come home that day. I was scared to leave Zoey home alone, but I gave her a kiss and told her to just hang in there until my mom got home to take her to the vet. Now prior to all this I’m a google fanatic when it comes to googling symptoms of things and as I’m googling what her issues were they showed up Heart Disease. I kept thinking to myself surly not. Yet didn’t let the issue leave the back of my mind. I ended up going to the interview, doing what I thought was an excellent job (ever with all that on the back of my mind) and then coming home an hour later. My mom arrived shortly after I left so it didn’t leave Zoey alone for long.
Now in my tiny ass, country fuck, town.. we do not have a 24/7 emergency pet place. We have a few pet places around but only two (at the time) I trusted to take my dogs. One was only open until 12pm on Wednesdays and if you weren’t already a patient with them (which we weren’t) you couldn’t see their on call vet. Trust me.. I called, told them the issues, and they told me they couldn’t come back to the office. They were too far out to turn around. So my mom had called our normal vet and we were told we wouldn’t be able to get Zoey into the vet until 2:30!! Its only 12:30 at this point and that gives us that long of a wait and hear my dog is possibly dying in my arms. How ridiculous, right? Still shocks me that they still made us wait.
Anyways I’m holding Zoey and we get her to the vet 30 minutes before she was even supposed to be there. Come to find out the doctor was in a surgery with another dog and that’s why we had to wait so long. Why they don’t have two doctors I don’t know. Anyways.. we are finally taken back and the doctor looks at her, listens to her heart, and then kinda fumbles around with what he wanted to say was wrong with her. Basically he says, “She got a cold. I can barely tell when her heart is beating because she’s breathing so fast. I’m going to give her a shot to clear her up and if she’s not back to almost normal by the end of the day, come back tomorrow.” As he left the room I looked at my mom and said, “This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I feel like he’s not really sure whats wrong with Zoey.” I just cradled Zoey in my arms, sat, and awaited his arrival back with whatever shot he was going to give her.” He came back through the doors holding something in a medicine dropper and he also had the shot. He gave it to her and told us to come back if nothing changed and he would run some x-rays on her. Within minutes, seconds even, Zoey took a turn for the worst. Were out front about to pay for the vet visit and she starts coughing kinda, mouth open wide like she couldn’t breathe. I start telling the lady at the desk something is wrong. Something is seriously wrong with her because this JUST started and she’s never acted like this. She goes to get the doctor again and he comes out and tells me, ” We will keep her for a few hours to monitor her. If I think anything serious needs to be done can I do so with her be it x-rays or something like that.” I agreed and told him whatever he had to do, do it to get her better. This little nurse came out to take her from me and told me she would be okay, everything would be alright and he’d take care of her. I kissed Zoeys head, hugged her and told her Id be back to get her in a little bit and to just get better.
We go home, I’m praying the whole day because Heart Disease is still in the back of my mind the whole time. I get home only to get a phone call from one of the new girls at work needing to know how to change something in a machine. I’m trying to tell her, but she’s not getting it. I told her to hang tight and ill run out to work and change it for her and show her how. As you can see.. my day was going down the shitter quickly. I arrive at work, get all that taken care of and come back home to wait until 5:30 so I can go pick up my baby. I feel as though that day I just sat around waiting for time to pass.. yet it’s probably one of the slowest days of my life.
5pm rolls around and I get a phone call from the vet. I thought, ‘okay.. shes fine and we can come pick her up now.’ What I experienced was one of if not the most traumatizing day of my life. I’ll never forget that phone call for the rest of my life. I answer only for him to tell me she was in heart failure from the moment she started acting that way before we left her. He basically had enough time to get her back to the back, take x-rays of her to see what was going on, grab some medicine to go give her and he said as he’s walking to her cage to get her, she just falls over. He rushed to get her and worked on her for 20 minutes.. but.. she was just gone. It seemed surreal at that moment. Was my dog dead? He just told me my dog was no longer with us? Just like that? Shes gone? I was not expecting him to EVER tell me my dog had died. Chihuahuas live to be 15 for the most part. Mine was 7. She was too young. This can’t be real. Is this a dream? He tells me I can come get her and they’d be there for another 30 minutes. Just like that.. like okay come get your dead dog now, but hurry because I wanna make it home for dinner. Thats basically how I felt through the whole thing. I hang up and just lay the phone down, tell my mom what happened. she burst into tears and then I remember just repeating over and over, “I’m going to have to go pick up my dead dog now and hold my dead dog coming home.” I at that moment felt the tears just explode out of my eyes basically. My mom wrapped me in her arms and we both just cried together. I felt anxiety taking over me really fast and just had to get out of that room. I went to my bed and just laid there sobbing and called a friend to let it all out and tell her. Still more so in shock than anything. We made it to the vet in time before they closed and he told us he wanted to show us her x-rays. He pointed out that Zoey had been masking her pain for some while now. Apparently dogs do that for our sake. They don’t want to make us worry. Which if that doesn’t show love and compassion more than anything I don’t know what does. He said it was heart disease and with humans it’s the same as pets. Kinda creeps up on you before you know it and without regular 6 month x-rays you never really catch it. His words to me were, “She was a ticking time bomb.” Yes.. yes he said that to me. Which I just found rather.. weird choice of words to say to someone who just lost their dog. Apparently Zoeys heart should have been a size 7 and hers was enlarged to a 13. Basically it was so big it had moved her trachea up and that’s what was causing the shortness in breath. PERSONALLY I think it had something to do with the shot he gave her. Obviously she did have a very enlarged heart, but I think his shot he gave her is what sent her into overdrive. I decided on cremation for Zoey. One because I didn’t want to see her after she had passed and bring her home to bury her. Secondly because I just rather have her closer to me instead of out in the back yard to turn to bones and bugs be on her. She didn’t deserve that. This way too if I ever move I can bring her with me and she wont be left.
*Mustache & Zoey*
That day will forever live in my memory now and wont ever just be associated with my friend’s birthday, but now associated with my dogs death. So in 3 days time I not only lost one animal, but two. What tops this all off? 4 days later is my birthday. January 17, 2016.. basically the worst birthday week ever. …or so I thought. I was given a wonderful birthday party from my family and friends in SL. For once I was completely and totally shocked. I’ve never had an actual surprise birthday where I didn’t know about it, but my sister.. my little Toastie Butt… aka Tiff did it. She rounded up the troops and put the party in motion and I did not have ANY clue about it what so ever. I was teleported into this box all dressed up because I was told by my sl dad that we were going to his DJ set at this fancy place and to get all pretty. I rez in and see all these people there. I burst out into tears because for one that had never happened before and two because it was a much-needed end to my very crappy week. Tiff even managed to put the right amount of candles on my cake for me. *29*
(a few photos from that night)
January continued to get worse as the days passed. Other issues I decided I wouldn’t mention on her. Now I know and I’m a firm believer in ‘You get what you put out’ so to speak. If you walk around positive, in return you get positive. If you walk around with a gloomy, sad, cloud over your head all day.. you will probably just be walking through a storm. It’s always so hard to find any positives in so many negatives being tossed your way. Especially when you’re trying to fight through all this grieving I wanted to do over my pet. I was then told by my friend Clint that I needed to put all my extra love I had for Zoey into my other dog Bentley. Show him that extra love because he basically had lost someone too.” I’ll never forget those words. I’ll never forget how there he was for me through this whole situation. If it hadn’t been for him.. I’m really not sure if I would have got through that whole ordeal all together. He had recently lost his dog a few weeks prior to me losing Zoey. He knew what I was going through and could relate so I leaned on him. If I haven’t thanked him enough already for that.. I’ll thank him here. Thank you Clint. I’ll always love you for everything you did for me in those weeks to come.
Needless to say I’m pretty positive I didn’t get the job that I’ve been dreaming of having for the past three years. I can say that with pretty much confidence now considering its been over a month since I’ve heard anything from them. It obviously just wasnt my time. I know I need to get back to loving myself and living my life for myself again. I need to become happy. I need to find my happy deep within. Sadly because I have lost that. Given the stuff thrown at me though.. who wouldn’t lose their happy in a situation like that. Slowly but surely I’m getting there though. I promise. Now i’m sure you all see why this month I haven’t been AS active on my blog as usual. Nor have I really had much to say in my blog posts.. because.. well I was just empty and couldn’t think of anything really to say. To the designers I blog for.. please forgive me. I am sorry. March will be better though, I promise.
To end this month though I was taken to the ER for a migraine. I arrive and if y’all know me you know if I go to the doctor on my own free will.. it’s probably because its pretty damn serious. I’m a hypochondriac with horrible anxiety and ‘white coat syndrome’ as they call it. Thinking about having to go to the hospital/doctor office in general just makes me get anxious. My blood pressure shoots up and its all over from there. I arrive and im taken back pretty quickly. The lady is taking my blood pressure and temp and she says to me, “Oh goodness. I can not send you to Quick Care with bp that high.” Okay lady.. thanks.. now my anxiety is really kicking in thinking im about to have either a heart attack or a stroke. I tell her, “Umm I have really bad anxiety and it’s always high at the doctor. I’m also in pain so that mains it higher.” Trying to calm myself down.. and tell myself I’m going to be alright. She test it again.. tells me that it’s not any better. I get whisked away to a room and I’m told if I don’t get my bp down they will end up admitting me. My bp was 175/116 with a heart rate of 106. Scary huh? I get to a room and get settled. I’m trying to distract myself and being worried about my bp, my headache decides to go away (only for a short period of time) Nurse comes in (which is so sweet) and hooks me up to an automatic blood pressure checker. Every 15 mins it checks my pressure and sees if its decreasing any. She was going to hook me up to a heart monitor until I told her this was normal. Well.. it’s never been THIS high, but for the most part it’s always high at doctors and at home im normal. Another nurse came in and asked me if I wanted any blankets. At first I said no.. but then the more I thought about it said yes because I knew if I said no I would wish for blankets after. She brought in two big warm blankets and wrapped me up in them like a little taco. I could totally get used to this treatment by the way lol. I was so warm and snug. I kicked my shoes off, turned on the TV and tried my best to relax. That was until I broke the remote in the room. haha.. yes yes.. I’m also clumsy too if you didn’t already know. I accidentally dropped it in the floor and I guess I threw it so hard it broke. I went to change the channel but it wasn’t working. My mom went with me to the hospital in case they gave me something I couldn’t drive on and then got the privileged of changing the channel manually for me until I said stop. Yes.. see.. I told you I could totally get used to this lol.
Me being a selfie/photo taker of everything for my Instgram I was snapping pictures of my bp as they took it. This is the last photo. As you can see in the right bottom hand corner how many other times it was taken before they let me leave. They allowed me to go home after seeing this bp rate. I guess they were checking to see if I really had anxiety and it would come down or if I was just telling them that and they were hoping to admit me so the hospital could get more money from my insurance company lol. My doctor was also so friendly and gave me some meds and sent me on my way. Told me if something didn’t change or if I experienced any side effects to come back. Well needless to say they put me on naproxen and I have recently found out im VERY allergic to that crap. 3 pills total and its had me wacky feeling since Saturday. I have the shakes, tingle feeling, my head feels extremely dizzy, I was EXTREMELY nauseous. I also have ulcers and naproxen is NOT nice on the tummy and giving me naproxen is dumb because it will make your bp rise. HELLO? You already thought I had high blood pressure.. why give me something to raise it even more? Makes so much sense. -_- This crap takes at least 72 hours to leave your system too. I’m counting those hours down, but I still feel icky. These side effects are worse than the headache itself. And considering I have crazy anxiety and a hypochondriac.. well.. you can imagine how my heads been functioning throughout this whole process. Right now I’m still not feeling well. Id say I’m finally starting to feel better, but as far as being 100% yet.. no.. no where close, but im getting there slowly and surely with every passing day.
Today is February 24,2016 and I refuse to let any of this negative energy continue to carry itself with me. March is almost here and its time to get back to the grind. Find my happy. Find the girl I know I am hiding away right now. Thats why i decided to share this blog and the thoughts going on in my head right now. I needed to get them all out and into the open and off of my heart so I can move forward. It’s a big step in my healing process I think. Thank you so much for listening. ♥
Now.. I just wanna talk about the very first photo above of me and the two puppies. Since I lost Zoey in my rl my sl mother found these adorable Chihuahuas in SL. She told me to pick a color I wanted because she had so many and I said the black one. At the time we didn’t realize they were Chihuahuas. We just though they were doggies lol. Regular ole sl dogs someone put in a gacha. Come to find out while looking at something in the ‘edit’ I realized they also bark. And their bark is a chihuahua bark. I then examine the dog closer and burst out into happy tears. Since losing Zoey I wanted to find a dog in SL to have that looked just like her. Believe it or not.. its pretty damn hard to find a black chihuahua in SL. That was until now. Since Bentley is chocolate-brown mom gave me one of him too. SO now I have my Bentley in SL and I also have my Zoey back too. I think they will start being my ‘signature’ in blog posts I do. I know some bloggers have those where they always have a certain something in their pictures. Be they are holding it, or its back in the background somewhere. I figured It would be cute to have that with Zoey or Bentley. If im taking a picture in world and not just using a background I will have either one or both of them placed somewhere for y’all to see. Itll kinda be like ‘where’s waldo?’ where you look to see what they are doing or where they are placed at today. HA! Kinda like the Playboy Bunny symbol on the cover of Playboy magazines. I thought it would be cute at least. And a constant in my blog posts. I hope you all enjoy the idea as much as I do. I cant wait to include them in pictures with me.
If you read down to here.. I thank you. I’m not really for sure if people enjoy reading these types of blogs since I’m not showing off any clothing in them for you. I will say though that all clothing worn here is from *Addams* which I’ve been a huge fan of their store lately because they actually make stuff for Slink Hourglass body. Although that’s another rant for another blog. Anyways once again I wanted to thank you for reading. And thank you to everyone who checked in on me that day I was in the hospital. It really means so much to me.
Basically with this blog post not only did I want to get some stuff off my chest, but I did want to show you that everyone goes through hardships. It’s not just you in a rocky boat alone. We all have issues, and some of us hide them better than others. Dont think you are alone when it comes to just sometimes being down. Weve all been there.. and some are still going through it too. Like the quote at the top of this post says, “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” And how true that it. It’s not about the fire itself.. it’s about how well you walk through it and get through the whole situation. In the end it will either burn you up or make you stronger. Dont let it burn up your shine. I’m not gonna let it take me out so you shouldn’t either. You’re better than that and you can make it. I promise. And if you need a little help along the way.. don’t hesitate to reach out to me and I will hold your hand and we will both walk the fire together. ♥
I love you all so much! Please have a wonderful rest of your week. And once again.. thanks for listening.