Never in a million years did I think I’d find someone so utterly and completely perfect, someone who would make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be, someone that would touch my life so profoundly and just give me a whole new reason to breathe. But then I found you and realized that everything I anticipated you to be doesn’t even compare to who you are.
We search our whole lives for people to fill that empty space. The one by our side. The extra pillow on your bed. The passenger listening to your songs. The friend who stays up later than you do. We’re all insomniacs in some way. It’s hard to sleep when the cost is having a nightmare. It’s hard to not feel alone when no one’s hitting up your phone. It’s hard to feel something when you’ve been drained. Love is a cheap trick the heart does to remind itself that it must beat for two. I won’t trick you. It’s going to be difficult. Maybe you’re getting over someone. Maybe you’re getting over yourself. Maybe you’re just flat lining that smile again. Maybe somewhere out there, someone’s looking up into the sky wishing they were right next to you. Your hands reach for your shadow, soft company– but it’s still your own. It’s different with someone else around. Best friends have a tendency to become lovers. Lovers have a knack for leaving. Friends have a high statistic of becoming both. You’re left to your own tricks. You need to believe that you’ll be okay. The phone may ring one day, maybe it’s them. Maybe it’s just another person we’ll never meet. Sometimes we feel like the moon, we’re always questioning the howling. Sometimes we feel like the sun, if it’s this bright out here– who is going to notice me? Maybe you really do feel alone, but someone out there feels just like you. We’re all stars waiting to burn out. We’re all bridges waiting to burn. I’m just another writer jotting down words that need to mean something. I guess one day, we’ll try to be more than fine. One thing at a time, we feel things too much. It’s our hearts way to remind us that it’s okay to be this numb. Even the brightest stars in the sky feel lonely, it just needs to find the right person to shine for. Darling, it’s okay to feel this way. It’s just another means to feel everything. We need to feel okay, even if it’s really not.
I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for 60 days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word. In that time, my hair, I grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated. Went to the basement, confessed my sins, and was baptized in a river. I got on my knees and said ‘amen’ and said ‘I mean.’
I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. I threw myself into a volcano. I drank the blood and drank the wine. I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God. I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet, I bathed in bleach, and plugged my menses with pages from the holy book, but still inside me, coiled deep, was the need to know … Are you cheating on me?
What have we done to the world Look what we’ve done What about all the peace That you pledge your only son… What about flowering fields Is there a time What about all the dreams That you said was yours and mine… Did you ever stop to notice All the children dead from war Did you ever stop to notice The crying Earth the weeping shores
Through the midst of it all, there were instances of what perfect felt like. You know, that feeling everyone is seeking and craves. I got to experience small dosages of it. And for that reason alone, is why I will never give up on love.