Fast food, it’s all I’ve been wanting for the past couple weeks. Who sneaks down in the middle of the night to ear a cheeseburger, and now sneaks down to warm up leftover chicken nuggets? This girl! Numerous people keep telling me that maybe its time to get a pregnancy test and take it. My stubborn self keeps saying, “Noooo, there’s zero chance of this happening.” But, maybe, they’re right? Girl’s can have normal cravings though, shouldn’t they? We crave chocolate at times, so why should my fast food cravings be any different? Why am I trying to talk myself out of the possibility? Why am I in denial when I know how my body works? Obviously, I know something is different. Tomorrow will make six weeks since I’ve even had a period. How is my husband going to react to all of this?
I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for 60 days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word. In that time, my hair, I grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated. Went to the basement, confessed my sins, and was baptized in a river. I got on my knees and said ‘amen’ and said ‘I mean.’
I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. I threw myself into a volcano. I drank the blood and drank the wine. I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God. I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet, I bathed in bleach, and plugged my menses with pages from the holy book, but still inside me, coiled deep, was the need to know … Are you cheating on me?